Is Outrage!

Guest Blogger: Girl Scouts Made Me a Lesbian

Your Intrepid Blogger — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:18:24 +0000

Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris, Critic of Girl Scouts

INDIANAPOLIS – Today we have a guest blogger, Girl Scout Amanda Sleeman, who asked to have a chance to respond to Indiana State Rep. Bob Morris (R), who accuses Girl Scouts of being a “radical organization” that promotes “homosexual lifestyles.” Take it away, Amanda.
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Hi. My name is Amanda Sleeman, and Representative Morris is absolutely right. I would never have become a Lesbian if it weren’t for Girl Scouts.

I came from a good Evangelical family. My dad worked and my mom homeschooled my sister and me. But when she decided to put us in Girl Scouts, she had no idea what it would lead to!

In Girl Scouts, I learned many things that my family never taught me. I learned how to make a fire with two sticks, how to pack a 50-pound pack so nothing digs into my back, and how to fall in love with other girls. At first I thought it was wrong, but our Troop’s adult volunteer, a minister from a liberal church and a Lesbian herself, led me to see that it was just my prejudice. If my parents were wrong about evolution, global warming, and the gold standard, they were probably wrong about homosexuality as well.

When I told my parents about my choice, they kicked me out and changed the locks. Fortunately, I had earned my Breaking-and-Entering merit badge, so I was able to sneak into the house while they were asleep and get my stuff. I have since joined the Democratic Party, cut my hair to within a centimeter of its life, and gotten a tattoo on my left breast of the Ellen Degeneres Show logo.

My sister, by the way, flunked out of Girl Scouts when she decided that she’d rather like boys. She remained a strong Evangelical and occasionally writes me to tell me I’m going to Hell.

Now that I’m in college on a scholarship from the Organization of Radical American Lesbians, I have wild parties with my Lesbian friends, most of whom were also Girl Scouts. We take courses in Womyn’s Studies and mock the Patriarchy, while reading Lesbian Weekly and working on the Gay Agenda with our gay male friends, in whom we are not the least bit romantically interested. We all plan to become Girl Scout adult volunteers, and pass on what we have learned to a new generation of girls.

Thanks,
Mandy

PS: Please buy lots of cookies!
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Thank you, Amanda!

We will probably return to our usual programming with our next installment.

Nation’s Satirists Bring Class-Action Suit against GOP for Being Self-Parodying

Your Intrepid Blogger — Tue, 21 Feb 2012 02:52:13 +0000

WASHINGTON – In Federal court today, attorneys of the firm Sage, Oak & Blogge filed suit on behalf of 10,000 satirists, late-night hosts, stand-up comedians, political cartoonists, and Facebook raconteurs alleging that the Republican Party has created an “unfair impediment” to their work by being uniformly ridiculous.

“One of my clients had a comedy routine all set up to suggest the GOP might privatize small towns and hand them over to their political cronies. He was all set to use it when Michigan actually did it, making his routine no longer funny. Our suit includes pain and suffering damages for rewrite work that he and his fellow satirists have had to do,” said firm partner Will Blogge.

The suit lists several other things that the plaintiffs claim cannot be parodied because they’re already so ludicrous. Among them are calls for rolling back child labor laws, state bills intended to block enforcement of the United States Constitution, and Rick Santorum’s sweater vests.

“I stay up nights trying to think of something that’s not so far over the top that I can’t push it farther,” said stand-up comedian Guido Scarlatti. “They’re just making it too hard. I mean, Newt Gingrich running for president? What can I say that’s more ridiculous than that?”

In related news, talk is bubbling that the GOP will pull an “August Surprise” at their Tampa convention and nominate an entirely new candidate that hasn’t been in the race so far. Names being mentioned include Sarah Palin, Ted Nugent, and P.J. O’Rourke.

Proposed Colorado Law Would Make It Illegal for Women to Think about Sex in Public

Your Intrepid Blogger — Sat, 18 Feb 2012 06:24:23 +0000

DENVER – Capping off a week in which Republican legislators across the country proposed, introduced, or voted on numerous bills concerning women’s health and sexuality, Colorado state senator Kevin Lundberg introduced into committee this week a bill that would make it illegal for women within the state of Colorado to think about sex in public.

“Women enjoying sex is against God’s will,” said Lundberg, “and this will nip it in the bud. Lop it off. Shrivel it right up.”

Women’s rights groups have reacted predictably. “How are they going to know?” asked Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, in a meeting with Lundberg. “That secret smile?”

“Oh, we’ll know,” said Lundberg. “I always know when my wife is thinking about sex.”

“You let that bill out of committee, and I’ll never think about sex again,” said Lundberg’s wife, Sandy. “Shrivel that.”

“WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THIS?!” said Republican legislators in the other 49 states.

Governor John Hickenlooper (yes, that’s his real name) has said he will sign the bill if it comes to his desk.

Buncha Posters

Your Intrepid Blogger — Thu, 16 Feb 2012 05:49:28 +0000

Here’s a bunch of posters I’ve created over the last however-many. Might as well put them all in one place rather than spread them out over multiple posts. Apologies to the person who commented on the Yoda poster. Feel free to move your comment here!

Mitt Romney Syndrome to Be Added to DSM-5

Your Intrepid Blogger — Tue, 14 Feb 2012 22:44:42 +0000

WASHINGTON – The American Psychological Association has announced that the upcoming DSM-5, the fifth major revision of its big book o’ crazy, due out in 2013, will contain an entry for Romney Syndrome in the “Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders” diagnostic category. A psychosis is “a loss of contact with reality, usually including false beliefs about what is taking place or who one is.”

The syndrome consists of four types, defined as follows:

Romney Syndrome, “I’ve Got Mine, Sucker” Type: Thinking one’s fabulous wealth is normal. Must present with two or more of: A. Thinking $374,000 is “not very much;” B. Betting $10,000 off-the-cuff; C. Owning a suit of Richie Rich, Daddy Warbucks, or Scrooge MacDuck pajamas.

Romney Syndrome, “Sucks to Be You, Loser” Type: Inability to acknowledge suffering. Must present with two or more of: A. Enjoying firing people; B. Torturing dogs; C. Laughing at Cubs fans.

Romney Syndrome, “Flopping Like a Dying Fish” Type: Propensity to disown one’s previous positions when expedient. Must present with two or more of: A. Denouncing everything one ever stood for if that’s what the base wants; B. Actually, that’s pretty much sufficient on its own.

Romney Syndrome, Not Otherwise Specified: Two or more mental health physicians in isolated rooms write, “That’s so Romney” in their charts.

At the moment the APA sadly reports there is no known cure for this syndrome, and warns that losing a bloodbath to a narrow-minded religious ideologue could make symptoms worse.

I Can’t Choose

Your Intrepid Blogger — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:56:30 +0000

With apologies to the memory of Harry Nilsson

No I can’t forget Newt Gingrich
Saying Romney just was too rich
Firing people glibly when he worked at Bain
With Newt’s libido, will folks view him with disdain
Just like Cain?

Well we can’t forget Ron Paul
Does he think he’ll win it all
At that big convention down in Tampa Bay?
Or will the Pentagon make sure he’s blown away
(So to say)?

“I can’t choose,”
Republicans are saying
They can’t choose,
So the news seems to say

“I can’t choose,”
The G.O.P. keeps saying
They can’t choose
All the clues point that way

Romney can’t forget the voters
That he lost in Minnesoter
Rick Santorum bubbled up there yesterday
Now it remains to see if he gets wiped away
Or he stays

They can’t choose
The G.O.P. is fractured
They can’t choose
Will they lose in the end?

They can’t choose
Who they want in the White House*
They can’t choose
Or say who’s gonna win.

(repeat either chorus ad nauseam and fade)

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*Well, “whom,” but it’s harder to say and thus kinda trips up the scansion.

The Complete Liberal Elitist’s Guide to NASCAR®

Your Intrepid Blogger — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 03:28:29 +0000

Grover Norquist’s Application for Godhood Denied

Your Intrepid Blogger — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 06:02:15 +0000

WASHINGTON – In a crushing blow for the famous lobbyist and would-be bathtub murderer, Grover Norquist’s application for the position of God was turned down this week, for the 437th time. “We’ve already got one. Give it a rest,” was hand-scribbled under the bold, rubber-stamped word “DENIED” on the application.

“Nevertheless,” said the anti-tax peremptor, “thwarting my will still constitutes high crimes and misdemeanors.” By this he was presumably referring to his earlier threat to impeach President Obama if he doesn’t extend the Bush tax cuts. When informed of the threat, the president laughed softly and asked, “Is this guy for real?”

95% of Republican congress members have signed Norquist’s infamous pledge to only raise taxes on the 99%. According to a recently-leaked memo, the remaining 5% indicated they will sign once Norquist has found a way to make the puppet strings entirely invisible.

In related news, presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich has accused opponent Mitt Romney of making him look bad in the most recent Republican presidential candidate debate. “I lost my train of thought for the rest of the night after he bet me $100,000 I didn’t have the guts to divorce my third wife. That’s a lot of money.”

Cain Endorses Gingrich’s Lifestyle, Candidacy

Your Intrepid Blogger — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 04:35:16 +0000

WEST PALM BEACH, Fla. – The scene was exhilarating at the Palm Beach County Republican Party Lincoln Day Dinner (this year’s theme: “I got mine, sucka”) when former pizza magnate, former presidential candidate, and former adulterer Herman Cain unexpectedly took the microphone. (Actually we can’t prove he’s a former adulterer. One hopes.)

“I am pleased to tell you tonight that I give my wholehearted, 100% support to the lifestyle of the former House Speaker Newton Leroy Gingrich. Now there is a man who knows his way with the ladies.”

The women in the audience shifted in their chairs.

“That’s why I’m giving my support to his candidacy for President of the United States. It’s been 12 long years since we’ve had a real ladies’ man in the White House. Get down.”

The male half of the audience gave Cain a standing ovation, mercifully drowning out his attempt to sing the disco anthem, “Get Down Tonight.”

“This gives a whole new meaning to ‘I got mine, sucka,’ said attendee Milton Dalrymple, after sitting back down. “I may just have to try that adultery thing.”

“I can hear you, and I carry,” said Dalrymple’s wife quietly.

Brewer to Obama: You Don’t Know What You’re Missing by Not Joining Amway

Your Intrepid Blogger — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 20:17:00 +0000

PHOENIX, Ariz. – Sources close to the tarmac at Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport relate that the now-infamous finger-pointing incident between Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and President Barack Obama came when the president told the governor he was unwilling to join her Amway “team.”

“I really have no need to sell Amway products,” said the president. “I have a pretty good job right now, and I intend to keep it for the next 5 years. Besides, I already represent Shaklee.”

When asked his opinion on the incident during a televised interview, GOP presidential contender and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said, “I think it’s despicable you’d ask me a question like that. I’d like to rinse your mouth out with Legacy of Clean DISH DROPS Concentrated Dish Liquid, 1 liter, retail price $9.05.”

“This is typical of the president’s snub to America’s job creators,” sniffed House Speaker John Boehner (R, OH). “I’ll be drafting a bill to make Amway the official National Cleaning Products Company. Just as soon as their check clears.”

“America’s poor can’t afford tony cleaning products like Amway,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D, CA). “I will introduce legislation to increase federal subsidies to state welfare and unemployment agencies by an amount equal to the price difference between Safeway’s house brand dishwashing detergent and Amway’s Legacy of—Legacy of—whatever Boehner said. Just as soon as their check clears.”

In related news, Arizona Republican State Sen. Frank Antenori has indicated he will run for the position vacated this week by retiring Representative Gabrielle Giffords. Asked where he stands on Arizona’s controversial crackdown on all things Hispanic, Antenori replied, “No comprendo.”